If you want to be happy..be*

 

                                    

I've said time and time again that I am so looking forward to a new year... that 2013 was a sad country song and that I was looking forward to a new beginning. Like everyone, I was looking for hope. Hope for the next great thing to come along. Hope for my big break. Hope for this.. Hope for that... but in reality.. January 1,2014 wasn't really all that different than the day before. It was just another day. I didn't wake up next to the man of my dreams, I didn't wake up 20 pounds lighter, I hadn't kicked all my bad habits.. Same thing, different day. In reality, we aren't necessarily just looking for a miracle, but we are searching for a starting point and I guess the first day of the year is as good of a time as any.

I didn't have to make resolutions this year because after a long back and forth struggle with God, I've finally found my breaking point. I feel like I've honestly gone as far as I can possibly go by doing things my way. I'm out of gas. When I finally hit the wall, I prayed. I prayed for conviction. I prayed for guidance. I prayed the most desperate prayer you could imagine. I asked God every single heart-breaking question that I could before I felt a sudden peace. I felt the conviction. I felt the forgiveness and I felt like I had finally gotten the weight that I'd been carrying for the past 4 years off my shoulders. Even though I felt better, I still had something holding me back. Something I wasn't ready to let go of yet. Something I'm still not so sure I want to let go.. But I'm going to do it because we've seen how well ,my plan has worked out.

        

   

My new focus is on patience and self control. I struggle with these more than any other thing in my life. I am very impatient. I feel like if I don't get something from the beginning then I never will. That's another issue for another day. So throughout every aspect of my life, I'm working on self control and patience... With my thoughts, my diet, my relationships, my friends, my family... You name it.

This may sound silly to you, but I'm kind of putting myself through a "boot camp" if you will for two weeks. It takes two weeks to make a habit. I'm sure two weeks can break them too. I'm trying to supplement my downfalls with better habits.  I'm not challenging anyone or comparing to anyone, I just feel like I need to do this for me. I honestly feel like I've been stuck lately. I've been stuck between who I am and who I feel like I should be. I'm leaps and bounds from where I was this time last year but still haven't figured out exactly who I am or where I'm going and I feel like by 26 I should have some idea.

   

This is who I want to be. More than anything, at the end of the day, I want others to remember that I treated them with compassion, that I was kind and showed humility and gentleness and hopefully one day soon they will say that I was patient with them as well. I'm a work in progress. Don't count me out just yet. Please just pray for me as I start this journey.

If I'm anything, I'm honest..

Until next time,

M.